If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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