At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
