So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
