my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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