just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
