Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
