just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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