see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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