I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
