just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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