If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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