U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
