I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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