I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize