Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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