Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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