I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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