Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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