Kiss
Puke
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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