Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
