This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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