you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
