Define "chronic" masturbator.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
