My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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