Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
pop tarts are not kleenex
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
