Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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