I'm going to rape someone's good day.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
