It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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