the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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