They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Watching her eat just hurts me
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize