Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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