i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Someone signed my nipple.
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