I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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