Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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