You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
