He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
