Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
