rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Randomize
