Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
