I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
