he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i will never coherently bang her
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
