It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
