I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
is that a dick in a sweater?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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