I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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