No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
