I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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