Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
