this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
