just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
