but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
