At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
