Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
