I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
