You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
If I die, sorry about rent.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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