It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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